Saturday, March 13, 2010

Wrestling with thoughts

She wants to die, mum WANTS to die. I hear it in what she says, how she talks, the looks she gives. She is so angry that daddy took her to the hospital. Mum keeps talking about when this happens again...she just wants daddy to sit on the couch and cuddle with her. Like she is dying from cancer and can't do anything about what is killing her. IF mum would choose to do her breathing treatments, IF mum would check her blood sugar, IF IF IF, she could live for some years yet. BUT her choice is to not do the breathing treatments when she is home. (right now mum is doing all she is told to do...cause of being in the ICU---but when she goes home...)

I am so frustrated. I can't even begin to understand this. How do you just decide to stop wanting to live? How do you just decide to leave your loved ones, just because you don't want to try anymore. Listen, I understand giving up the good fight...this seems more like depression to me. So how do you try to convince your parent to receive more help, as in psychiatric help?

Please Lord, remind her that you number our days and it is up to us to live them out the way you ask us to. Lord, you know my heart is not to judge my mum, help me to continue to express your grace to her. I know my expressions can reflect the pain in my heart, and I am definetly in pain right now.

I am not ready to lose my mum. My heart is so broken at the idea of not being able to call her, talk to her, to hug her, hold her hand. To never hear her voice again...God I need your strength, your peace, your comfort...I can't do this alone.

1 comment:

Smiling Sal :) said...

Praying for you Vic...I don't have any of the answers...I just pray that God will wrap you tightly in His arms as you go through this hard season...no one is ever ready to lose a mom...I know I'm not...so my heart just breaks for you.
Know I love you and am praying for you!